Season One Recap: A new chapter
When you master self-criticism, now it's the time for self-compassion.
The Great Wall of Productivity
Have you ever felt the urge to write, the topic is there, the words are forming, and yet, you stop?
I’m not talking about a lack of time. Or inspiration.
I’m talking about something deeper. When what you’re about to write feels… off-brand. Like it doesn’t align with the image you have of yourself, or the image you want others to have of you.
That’s the wall I’ve been facing.
Not for a few days. For years.
Once Upon a Freer Time
Until around 2020, I wrote actively. Back then I had a blog, legacy.mpj.io, or at least what now lives as an archive. I wrote more freely. Less filtered. That period felt like the most mentally alive and productive time of my life.
Now, at 29, I know I’m still young, technically, I should have even more to say. More experience, more confidence, more tools. But something has shifted. I’ve built up a barrier. A wall. And it’s keeping me from doing the thing I know is meaningful for me.
Let’s Name the Enemy
This isn’t a personal rant.
This is a call to name, and maybe dismantle, something I suspect you feel too.
In any battle, clarity comes from naming the enemy. So let’s call it: The Great Wall of Productivity.
What’s it made of?
It’s built from whispers. Internal ones.
“Don’t write in that voice. It sounds amateur.”
“This topic isn’t serious enough.”
“You need to go deeper, or don’t bother.”
“People expect something else from you now.”
Each one is a brick. Together? A fortress.
The Inner Architecture: Ideal Ego vs. Ego Ideal
Recently I came across psychoanalytic concepts that helped me frame this better:
Ideal Ego, Ego Ideal, and Repression.
The Ideal Ego is the image of myself I want to appear to be. The “successful,” “insightful,” “mature” version. It’s aspirational, and tyrannical.
The Ego Ideal is the internalized judge. It’s what I should be doing to live up to that image. It whispers: “That’s not good enough. That’s not you.”
Repression is what happens when these two team up. Anything that doesn’t align with this curated image gets shoved aside, even if it’s true, or alive, or fun.
This is the machinery behind the wall. And it gets louder with age, experience, and the growing audience of imagined critics in my head.
A Peace Treaty, Not a Demolition
I’m not trying to kill the Ideal Ego or Ego Ideal. They’ve pushed me to grow, to aim higher. But they can’t run the show alone.
I need a space where I can play. Test ideas. Write in voices that aren’t fully “me”, yet.
That means releasing perfectionism, and embracing motion.
Choosing expression over self-preservation.
Letting imperfect work be the doorway back to flow.
So Here’s to Cracks in the Wall
This post isn’t polished. It’s not the most profound thing I’ve ever written.
But it’s real. And it’s done.
Which means: I’m writing again.
Goodbye, Great Wall of Productivity.
And to my Ideal Ego and Ego Ideal, you’re welcome to stay,
but only if you play nice.
Last notes
This last notes marks the end of Season One of my blog post series. If you missed the previous posts here are some recap:
I’ll take a summer break and will be back around September for another Season.